Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
