.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
