The best revenge is premature balding
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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