Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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