No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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