just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Ladies don't puke and tell
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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