remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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