3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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