i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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