Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
