i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
