this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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