I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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