hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
