I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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