Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm really into asian looking animals
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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