He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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