Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
