you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
