dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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