my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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