I heard we made out
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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