WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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