If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
