mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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