Don't make out with my wife yet
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
