Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
