no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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