Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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