He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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