Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
