just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
