either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
