My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
