2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
