Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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