I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
