just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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