her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We don't watch enough power rangers
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
