Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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