remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
