Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize