I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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