This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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