There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
