i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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