if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
