I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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