Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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