The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
