the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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