Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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