How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
