Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
